“Write Your Heart Out Tonight…”

If there’s one way to sum up the year that passed, I could boldly proclaim that it was the year that aged me by decades – in spirit, will and might.

The past year taught me a great deal about hardships, sadness, anxiety, regrets, loss and heartbreaks and yet surprisingly so, it was also the year that I understood the real meaning of love, hard work, independence, self-worth, trust, purpose and maturity. I am still a work in progress. Every now and then, I still slip. There are still moments when I tell myself, “You never learn, do you?”

I had been meaning to write this since the night before my birthday. I haven’t had the chance though because work had been really hectic. Admittedly, I had been preoccupied with a couple of other things too. Since I moved to Abu Dhabi, I think I’ve never written as much as I have this month – but also, I’ve never felt as much passionate about writing as I am now. On my way home tonight, the cab driver asked me what I do for a living. I told him, “I write”.  Then he said, “Wow, you’re a writer!” I’m not a reporter or a journalist for that matter but I write and develop contents for an educational consultancy company that aims to inspire and empower women and youth. It made me feel a bit emotional. I’ve always wanted to be able to do something like this. (Aside from being a preschool teacher)  I’ve always wanted to write for a living. I guess, it made me feel a bit sad knowing that I’m finally here writing for a living (which is one of my dreams) yet there was one point in time when I doubted being here. That’s just not right.

I turned 30 three days ago and as I said it felt like I’ve suddenly aged. (Hopefully, not physically because I wish to remain baby faced until I’m 80! That’s my biggest wish of all!) It felt like I was transported to a different dimension where I’m finally done with living in a fairytale. My closest friends always say that I could make a good movie out of my life story – from the colorful experiences I’ve had to my whole career journey to my adventures in love. Yes, it’s been a roller coaster ride of all sorts of emotions for me. It wasn’t a smooth ride at all but I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now if I didn’t experience them.

I attended a coffee meeting this morning and met a couple of inspiring expat women. Most of them from UK. Julie, a very sweet and lovely lady from London was my most favorite of all. We were in the middle of our conversation when she asked me this question. “Have you ever tried chasing something in your life and the more you chase it, the more it seems impossible to have?” I looked at her and answered her question with another question. “Why Julie, why’d you ask that?” Her answer was just spot on. “Jess, the fact that you have to chase one thing might mean it wasn’t meant to be yours in the first place.” I guess, Julie’s point is that sometimes we tend to focus on things that we can’t have rather than the things that we already have. She was right.

She winked at me and said, “Oh Jessie, you are just getting started! I’m so excited for you!”

When I was in Dubai, I have been caught up with the things that weren’t happening in my life. For a while, I’ve dwelt on a failed almost relationship with someone I thought was the one for me. I knew I could do so much more with my talent and creativity yet I’ve chosen to be on the safe side and stayed where I was at the time.

I don’t want to commit the same mistakes. Not again…. I’m more confident and secure with myself now. I don’t want to be just another person for someone. I want to be the exception.

Today’s events made me rethink. I was reminded in a roundabout way of a couple of important things I’ve overlooked for the past couple of days.

During my conversation with the cab driver earlier tonight, he told me that her 12 year old daughter wanted to be a writer too and he’s so proud of her. For some reason, this particular conversation had been an eye-opener for me. I gave him a spare little notebook that I have in my bag and told him to send it to his daughter in Indonesia. He asked me to write something in it.  I thought about what I could have said to my 12 year old self eighteen years ago. Then a phrase came to mind… To be honest, I didn’t know where I got it from. I just wish that its meaning will find its way to a young girl’s heart and inspire her the way it did to me tonight.

I wrote…

“Write your heart out tonight darling…Tonight and all the nights to come.”